Ramadan and I

Let me start by saying that i know this post might upset a lot of people, so if you get offended if things aren't your ways then please stop reading :)

It's simply was not a happy or spiritual month my whole life.

We are a screwed up family and in Ramadan we were-are- even worse.

My eldest brother who grow up to be the controller of the house-although my father was there- ruined our life in so many ways, i can write volumes about how he control us and destroy us-and we are not alone in this, this is a huge phenomena in Saudi Arabia ( the literally big brother thing)- .

And Ramadan was his best month to yell, hit and order us like animals in the house.

When did we wake up?

What to do ?

What not to do?

 what to eat?

how to eat it?

...etc.

The time of Iftar -breaking your fast- was the worst.

Remember what the prophet said about the two delights of those who are fasting and that one of them is when he/she breaks his fasting .Well we never knew this delight thanks to our eldest brother and the fear he put in us during the day and thinking how shall we obey him during iftar of what to eat and how to eat it, what to say or better not to say.

We were on the tip of our toes around him.

Then he got married and another brother took his place, this time it was the youngest one.

The problem is he didn't control us to do and not to do or lucky us even what to eat.

But most days he is drunk , yet he had to be on the table. Any words from my mother or father could trigger him and things will be .......( sorry can not find a word to describe it).

He was drunk and of course not fasting during the day and yet demand that mt mother cook for him whatever he wishes, and if she says no , then anything might happen to her.

We were on the tip of our toes around him.

Then we finally got the courage to get rid of him and now we have the middle one, he had to participate, hadn't he? . Come one , it wouldn't be good for his reputation not getting in the rule of the Saudi brother. Things are a bit easier compared to those two but still awful.

And We still on the tip of our toes around him

Ramadan was never a holly month in our home no matter how much we try.

It's the month were we all have to gather and gathering is bad in our family.

It's never a spiritual month, people can break their fast in a second , claiming that they are sick or have this and that. You never know the importance of fasting or the meaning behind it. You just fast cuz the whole world is fasting and that's that. The Quran would be pulled out of drawers and it would be dusted and then forgotten a few days later.

There was and is the pressure that if you do this it's OK but if you don't do this then you are less religious and bad person, oh yea pressure from the same people who got no idea what is the purpose of Ramadan.

Through my whole 36 years, Ramadan was and is the worst month in our house and i never understand people's happiness when it's close or their sadness when it's over. It is always the happiest day when Ramadan is over.

The next worst days were the days of Eid AL-Fitr. But they were-are- kinda OK because they are only a few days and a few hours of these few days. That's how we celebrate it or don't. Eid was and is awful because all the above reasons plus having to meat my mother's family. Which is the worst meetings always. They hate us and no one can blame them, who would love a dysfunctional family like ours.

So yea i do greet people " Happy Ramadan and Eid" but they are never happy here and this year they are not gonna be any different. Life is already worse.

I know some would think " STOP IT", you are a grown up woman and all the above are excuses and that we are the ones who make our own future and blah blah blah.

Just let me tell you this and i am not asking for sympathy here, it's just cuz i have read those comments before. Yesterday's prayer before sleeping was " Please God end my life right now".

In short, don't judge people unless you are in their shoes. And next time someone say they don't like Ramadan then maybe they have a good reason not to and it's not because they are not good Muslims.