It's Been a Whole Month and One Day

Today, my father has been gone for a month and one day.

It felt like it was yesterday. And i miss him.

I wish he didn't die. I wish he had lived till he is eighty or ninety or even more.

I am trying to remember the good time, but i couldn't. We didn't have the great father and daughter relationship. I know he didn't hate me but maybe he didn't know how to show if he love me.

I used to blame him , but i don't anymore. Not because he is dead but because it didn't and doesn't matter.

 sometimes parents and their kids don't have a great relationship, that's it. They supposed to but ....

I remember when he was the man of my world, i used to love him so much and care.

But something happened, something i want to bury deep down , in a place where it will never show up.

That thing changed everything and the problem is i don't know for sure if it's true or wrong. But it doesn't matter now.

I hate to say if things happen all over again, i would change things. Because this is not a movie where you will realize that time is back, you wont and things will still happen the same way it did.

Our biggest problem was my younger brother, he felt like it was ok which i can understand since he is a father , but i felt like it was everything and wanted support which he couldn't give .

It was a father dilemma and he chose, i wish he chose my side but i think my brother would of have felt left out if my father chose my side not his.

And since i had other people to support me then maybe my father chose right, and my brother is happy to have his father's side while he was alive.

Despite all, my brother needed someone and maybe my father saw that and chose to love him instead of blaming him to help him in life.

Oneday my father's love will help my younger estranged brother find his way.

I don't know if i was a big disappointment to him, at times he was to me but most times he was not. He simply was not the perfect father. He used to be very proud of me. And through all i used to be very proud of him and still.

I keep thinking about him a lot and smiling every time. I give people money in his name and i pray that Allah will accept that and reward him. 

 I wish that he is proud of me now.