I want this Ramadan to be different, can I?
I am trying and i know that things can be different but A will try.
Last year, i wrote about Ramadan and I, and some didn't like it or feel sorry for me to feel this way.
But we are different and i honestly wish that i am in some one's foot, someone who is happy about the month.
Even if nothing happened, the feeling will always be there, i never loved Ramadan for so many reason. some I wrote about in the above post and some I didn't, such as not liking the whole atmosphere of Ramadan which unfortunately is synonym to chaotic , hypocrisy and lots of bad behavior. I am talking from my own experience so yours might be completely different and believe me you are a lucky one.
When i said "hypocrisy" i meant the rush to do all good things now and forget about them later on. Why can't we divided our "good deeds" through the whole year instead of just Ramadan.
I hate the gathering of the family, it always brings bad actions with it or at least the tension of it.
I hate the change of our day/night situation cuz it's never normal.
Do i hate the religious rituals of the month ?? i honestly don't know.
Oh and i hate that after Ramadan we will have Eid which means more family gatherings and lots of other things which i hate due to lots of low self esteem and many more. I am actually happy that we didn't celebrate eid last year due to my father's death and wont this year due to my aunt's death-Eid is a celebration after all-, how sick can i be ? very, I know.
Did i mention that i used to hate Ramadan also because i can not drink water in it during day which is my addiction- that's drinking water-, little did i know that i will be grant this wish the hardest way one day, which happens due to diabetes !!
I want Ramadan this year to be different, not because of others but because i want to see changes in me first. I want to change my attitude towards others and things, and now i am starting with Ramadan inshAllah.
I am doing my best. And i am taking it one day at a time, It's already the second day so we will see how things are going to be at the end.
I started by praying tarawih -late night prayer- at home with lots of Quran reading and inshAllah will do my best to go perform Umra this year.
As for fasting, i decided to ignore all negative feelings and stupidity about not fasting while sick and feeling guilty and goes with what a doctor says "if it's over 300 you shouldn't fast" and today i couldn't since it was 330 when i woke up and 500 a few hours ago !!
Yes, and lots of religious posts.
Things weren't quiet good at the eve of Ramadan and yesterday but I decided to take a deep breath and delete all fear/disgusting/worrying...etc of the bad feelings from my mind and just relax.
How long will this last !!
I hope to the end of the month.
I agree that we should spread out our good deeds. I pray to Allah to show us the right path.
BalasHapusSalma,
BalasHapusAmen :) . but we need to do something too cuz Allah wont change things for us unless we try, right? :)
InshAllah people will learn the importance of great deeds like giving through out the whole year.
Salam :)
BalasHapusIt's been so long since I've commented on your blog and it's about time I did.....I'm sorry. I thought I would have trouble with Ramadan too but mainly for the reasons that are opposite from yours. My family isn't Muslim, so no one practices Ramadan on my side. My husband's family is in Saudi right now so my husband is feeling sad without them. As for friends....there are none here to say "ramadan mubarak" to, just people online. Ramadan started out like any other day and it being the beginning of the Holy month made it sad and somewhat depressing. I'm trying to get beyond the fact that we have no one here to celebrate with and even if we did they wouldn't be around next Ramadan, it's what I'm use to. I'm just trying to focus on myself, being better from the inside out and being stronger as a Muslim...that's all I can do for now.
Assalaam alaikum sister, Ramadan Mubarak and I thank you for coming by my blog...I totally understand you and we shouldn't judge. I think the true spirit of Ramadan lies within ourselves and has nothing to do with all the formalities.
BalasHapusAfter all I wish you have a better Ramadan than the last and may Allah answer all of your prayers. Ameen
I hope Ramadan goes much better for you this year. I think you are taking a good approach by focusing on your personal relationship with the month and your own spirituality and prayer.
BalasHapusIt is very important to respect your doctor's advice not to fast, particularly if you are a "brittle diabetic", in which case even the days it may be physically permissible would only result in abnormal sugars for the next day (or same day).
As you know better than I, Ramadan is about much more than the physical fast.
The rest of what you say about the family get togethers and celebrations is very familiar, from anyone with a dysfunctional family-especially where alcohol or drugs are involved. People behaving badly, and people drunk or high behaving worse.
The usual advice is to maximize the other aspects of the tradition, find personal ways to celebrate or observe and to limit contact with toxic people to the very bare minimum.
Hope the rest of the month is one of renewal for you! :D
Best wishes,my sweet friend. I love that you care for people throughout the year. You don't save all your doing good for one month. I really admire that about you.
BalasHapusMuch love!
Ramadan is a festival of giving, sharing and sacrifice.
BalasHapusRamadan Mubarak :)
Muslim,
BalasHapusI am very good in putting myself in other's shoes and i did with you. I am sure it would be so sad and heartbreaking to not be around others who share the same religion and feel the same way you feel about your holiest month.
But i wonder aren't there a Muslim community where you are ? I keep reading on some Muslim blogs that they are celebrating with the Muslims community so i thought maybe there are some you can join or be part of !!
And i am glad that you decided to focus on yourself, May Allah guide you and help you in this journey, Amen :)
Zainab,
BalasHapusW'Salam my dear and Ramadan Kareem :)
And you have a great blog btw, i have been visiting for a while now, keep up the good work :)
thanks for understanding and not judging, it's good to feel like talking and not being judged :)
Beside, you are right, it's all within ourselves but for me to really settle with this understanding i need time and getting rid of lots of emotions.
And i am positive that they are coming inshAllah :)
Chiara,
BalasHapusI hope so and it's exactly not about the physical part but as i said last year that part need you to be extremely strong to ignore it and goes with what's good for your health :( . As for the family, i am doing my best to stay away from all and be an ice queen towards them and the the problems they cause but what can you do, we will wait and see.
InshAllah this Saturday, i will go and see a new doctor, my aunt is way better now, so maybe she can help me too :)
Susanne,
BalasHapusAmen my dear and thanks for your kind words and encouragements always , you wont believe how a great power they fill me up with :)
Asma,
BalasHapuswell-said :)
it's true and beautiful too. And Ramadan Kareem inshAllah :)
Now if you are really not up to it,then as per doctor's advice you shouldn't fast.My husband has mild diabetics and I told him the same thing.You don't need to feel guilty about it.
BalasHapusI've not read up on your previous fast post which I will do,whatever that is,it's all okay.We are in a journey of life,of finding ourselves thru' this maze of a lifetime.I believe it's not about winning or losing but about finding our true selves that is important.If fasting can give me that which I believe it can and does,I will always be happy to do it eventhough like you but in a different way,do feel certain restrictions are not necessary to fulfill our destiny,of truly knowing who we are.
Wafa,to tell you the truth,I never really liked Arabs.In fact I'm afraid I still do to quite a certain extent.But you and a few others thru' blogging have reached out to me.Thank you for being who you are right now.Whatever we've been thru' in life so far is and will stay with us as long as we want to keep it in our thoughts.May this Ramadan make a difference in purging away the bad memories and intentions and ushering in the good and blissful times that the world needs to move forward to peaceful and friendly environment,InshaAllah!
Sorry my rant got longer this time! :)
Lat,
BalasHapusi love it when rants go on and on and on, it's amazing :)
the guilt thing will make a long post believe me, i am living half my life based on guilt !!
what you say about finding our self is just pure wisdom, thanks a lot for these beautiful words.
Thank you a million times for your kind words and i am so glad to have reach to you :)
And Amen.
Salam Wafa there is a "Muslim community" here I use that word loosely because there is so much segregation between cultures here that it's no longer a community of Muslims but rather a community of Pakistanis, Indonesians, Somalis, Arabs....etc. There are converts here, but the relationship I have with many of them is just superficial at best. I see a lot of the time people that have never spoken to me invite my family and I over for iftar, we did that a few times but it turned out to be nothing but bragging, gloating and gossiping about something. These people would then never speak to me or return calls until the next Eid. So in the end I'd rather spend Ramadan this way than around people who just want to show off or like to collect names of guests they've had over thinking this will give them a higher reward.
BalasHapusMuslim,
BalasHapusW'Salam sister.
The problem with Muslim is that we took our diversity with us whenever we go, as you mentioned there are different kinds of community with different approach to religion that we can not even unite in such a holy month.
And I would do the same if i were in your shoes, being with people to count as a number or name is way worse than being alone.
May Allah be with you and your family in this month and always :)