Wikipedia defines Family as an exclusive group of people who share a close relationship —a unit typically (or "traditionally") composed of a mated couple and their dependent children ( procreation) in co-residence .
But what does a family really mean ? I mean we suppose to love and respect and stand by our families no matter what. But before these families were created, before the parents got married, were not they strangers themselves?. What makes them more important than any other people that i have known all my life.
Are families only those blood related?. what about the man and the woman, again, ? they are not related, so if i marry someone -even if i never known him before and can not love him at all-he will be more important than a friend i know for my whole life just because we sign a paper saying that we are married ?
OK, let's say that family and their matters goes only for those who have immediate blood relationship to you. We know that there are two kinds of families:-
good or great ones and dysfunctional ones.
it's understandable to love a good family and to protect them with your life.
How about the dysfunctional one ?
are we supposed to love the father who beat us, raped us and abused us in all possible way ?
Are we supposed to love and support a neglected mother?
Are we supposed to care for a sibling who never care and who treat you in a shitty way always ?
I am not judging btw, i am just wondering ?
in Saudi Arabia and in many other Arab countries, more of the violence against women and children go unreported because there is always the notion that you should not report you father for example. Because he is your father and the same goes with your brother or an abusive person.
Two days ago i read an article about violence against women in Lebanon and how there is a huge work to have strict laws against it ,and i was surprised and not at the same time ,that some members of the parliaments thinks that it's no one's right to involve between a husband and his wife!!!
Years ago, in Saudi Arabia a father might kill his son or daughter -for what ever reason- and he won't get executed-though it's the punishment for such crimes in Saudi Arabia- claiming that Prophet Muhammad had said ( no father shall be killed for killing his son ) .
Lately with the rise against violences at home and between families, stricter laws are been applying and you can read of an execution of a father who tortured his son or daughter that lead to their death.
So why is not the saying of the prophet applied now ?
is it even a true saying ? h
ow about killing them without tortured ?.
Can we consider such a thing a family ?
Yesterday and today there was a discussion between a group of teachers at school about what if you have to choose to save someone or give someone another chance in life: your kid or your brother ? whom would you choose? .
it was a simple discussion and i kinda thought that i know what will their answers be -their kids- but i was completely wrong. NONE of them have actually chosen their kids, they all choose the brothers !!! .
first of all let me explain that i really hate hypothetical questions because no matter what, things are completely different when you are facing with things rather than thinking about them.
So back to the question, another thing we believe in is the Arabic saying -if we want to choose between a brother and a son- that says " you can rebirth another son but you can not replace a missing -dead-brother ".
Hmmm Does that mean if i lost a son in death and then have another one , then the dead one will be forgotten !!!
I am not a mother and as for my brother i don't have that of a great relationship with them
- actually i have not spoken to one of them in a very long time-, but i believe that there is no stronger connection in the world than the mother-child connection.
But...i can not understand.I kept asking them how and why but none could convince me . And i couldn't convince them either.
Oh yea and one of them said that if she has to choose between her sons and daughters, she will choose her sons, and she said that she actually told her daughters that. ( what a beautiful thing to hear that my mother would choose my brother over me in any situation )!!!!
Is this a family ?
What is a family ?
Can i choose my father , mother, brother or sister even if they kill me just because they are my family ?
seriously, i am just wondering because i think i might be wrong.
Interesting discussion. I don't like hypothetical questions either, simply I find them morbid and I can't even think about choosing which member of my family I would let die.
BalasHapusAs for my younger (only) sister, I believe she's probably the closest person to me in the world. Even though sometimes I don't see her for months, and even though I don't actively miss her in the same way I'd miss a husband for example. She's the only person in the world that has the same parents as me, the exact same upbringing and the same childhood experiences. She's the friend I can fight with and I'd give her my life. I worry about her all the time.
You asked can we love someone who abuses us? I don't love my father. I don't love him because my sister and I still get paranoid at night and check if the doors are locked 10 times before we sleep. I don't love him because for years, I slept with my shoes on incase he'd break in or go crazy and I'd have to jump out of bed quickly.
However, if anybody else did the things he did, I'd say they deserve to be locked up forever. As it happens, living in a house for 16 years with another person does something to you and therefore I don't wish such a thing for him. I hope he will be happy in his life and I don't want him to suffer.
As for husbands... I consider them to be family because of the nature of the relationship and the way we share our lives. I think it's easier to love them if they abuse you... especially if you loved them first and the abuse came later. I think you have to be very strong to stop loving even a bad husband. I think the difference between blood-relatives and your spouse is that blood relatives will always be your family. If you divorce your husband that's usually everything over and they go back to being strangers, not family.
Really interesting post you made me think!
Intriguing matter and questions Wafa`, clearly u have put a lot of thought into this!
BalasHapusTaking family issues (in lack of a better word here!) for granted is something dangerous -to say the least-, also talking about the grantedness in it is in itself a red-line.
I`m sorry I don`t have clear cut answers (who does btw), but if family members do not act upon their responsibilities; then treating them as strangers is a v. good policy!
There is always a room for 2nd chances, but certain behaviours require certain actions accordingly.
H.
" you can rebirth another son but you can not replace a missing -dead-brother ".
BalasHapusWow! Most people I know would choose their children in a heartbeat. No question! Brother can save himself. :)
I think the true meaning of "family" is broad and NOT just those related by blood. It would be very hard if not impossible to love a father or mother who mistreated you. I suppose technically they are "family" as far as the legal definition goes, but "family" - to me - can be more of a heart matter (who I love) vs. a bloodline issue. Though I love most of those related to me by blood, thankfully. :)
Lots of good questions here!
This is a really thought provoking post!:)
BalasHapusTo me, I have always felt that a family is a close "bond" with those within the so-called family that you can't really find or necessarily create with others who are NOT family.
I think first and foremost, that ALL families have some form of dysfunction or another. I don't think there is such a thing as the "perfect" family.
Of course we all have no choice as to picking our siblings or even our mothers and fathers. I feel that the "family" has already been picked by God and you make the best of what you have! If that makes sense.
Well, maybe this will clarify what I mean. If I had a choice on who to pick for a sister, lets say, I sure as heck would not pick the sisters I have! LOL But, I have no choice after all.
It is sad when your "family", the only people you should be able to wholeheartedly depend on turn out to be the last people you can ever depend on! :( I think that would be VERY hard on many people!
I also don't think that just because one happens to be my father or mother or sister or brother and they are not good people, that I should still love them or be with them or consider them a part of my life. I think this is an individualistic choice.
I don't like how within families, mothers or fathers choose one sibling over another. This is SO WRONG and MEAN and usually will cause A LOT of issues among the siblings involved. I fail to see how you could love or favor one child over another. It's not right at all.
Well, in regards to the saying: "you can rebirth another son but you can not replace a missing -dead-brother ". I guess then I would be considered a shame or something because I sure as heck would NOT even replace a LIVING-sibling, let alone a dead one!LOL
That is such an EASY one for me! Trust me, I would not even have to think about it for a second! LOLOL I know, it is sad! But, what can I say......my dog means MORE to me, at this point in time, than any of the so-called siblings I ever had!
i dont know...but i have to admit, i do feel closer to my best friend than i do so many of my blood relatives.
BalasHapusi consider my best friend and her husbands family (their parents and siblings, grandparents and cousin) part of my family. we spend most of our holidays with them. my family gets upset with me that i choose to be with them on special days.....but there is a reason. i cant be around drug addicts who will be nice to my face..and talk negative about me when i walk out the door.
i dont think im better than some of my relatives...but i feel i deserve to have relationships that are good and from the heart. not out of obligation.
in some families, they are so tight...and the bond is beautiful. some people find a bond with friends who become family.
Great post. I remember your stories and how rough you had it growing up. I was the same.
BalasHapusThese trials in our lives can either bring people together or pull them apart. It might be because of things they do, or the way things happened to them.
My father drove us apart and pretty much it was "every person for themselves" in a bid to survive. Even now that we are long past those days we find it hard to get over that.
I have never had a close family feeling, not with my mother, father or brother and sister. I always wanted it, but our home life was just so bad there was no way it was going to happen.
I guess it is the lessons we learn in from these things that can help stop the cycle. A lot of these things are cyclical. It was done to you, you do it to your kids, they do it to theirs.
I cannot honestly remember ONE time as a kid where my father just held me or gave me a kiss. I cannot remember one time really spending any quality time with him at all.
I know how this made me feel so I make sure that my boys are kissed multiple times every day and I tell them I love them every day. I make sure I am accessable to them at all times.
I might work a lot, too much, but when I am there they know I am there for them.
We cannot change the things that happened in our own lives, but we can work to make sure things go right with the new generation.
Sorry for the late respond :)
BalasHapusJaz,
i understand your relation with your sister. The beauty of it is that you two still connected and that your struggle didn't drift you two apart.
and yes we do tend to maybe not forgive those family members who abuse us but we don't want them to suffer, too.
as for husbands, i understand your opinion but i usually believe that even if i love him and he is abusive then i will leave unless there are kids , then i would think a million times before leaving.
Haitham,
BalasHapusit's indeed a very big issues that may lead us to death or worse sometimes in our Arabic scoities.
(if family members do not act upon their responsibilities; then treating them as strangers is a v. good policy!)
Well-said :)
Susanne,
BalasHapusyou know i used to think that most people wouldn't even think twice about choosing their kids but i was wrong :(
And i do believe the same that family is not only those blood-realted people but in the Arabic societies we truly emphasizes on this. Most of our relatives i only have connection with because of my mother, other than that i wouldn't.
Manal,
BalasHapusnot perfect as what the defintion of the word apply. But a loving father and mother and good sibling who care and love you are a perfect family to me at least.
And like you if i have the chance i wouldn't pick up the same family at all, except my mom,. i believe in second chances all the way but not IN this family of mine. there are no second chances so i know they will be the same and thus i want pick any of them. I guess they won't pick me, either. lol
Not being able to depend on your family is very hard on me. I may sound and act a lot of things but i will never be secure at all. I can not count on them.
I am not a mother and no will i ever be and still can not understand the love of someone better than others. It's very much practice in our family . Actually one of my brothers have huge issues with that.
Some of them even hate me a lot because they think that my mother favor me cuz she keeps asking them to help me and to care about her and to help the same way I do. But i don't think she faovrs me, though they don't see it that way.
as for the saying, even if i were a mother i would choose my son for sure no matter how much i love or hate my brothers.
believe me i can realte to you, lol.
btw, i am waiting for the invitation :)
angie,
BalasHapusthat's what i believe too. because maybe we don't have a chance in choosing our families but we can choose our friends whom we love and can make our lives better and so do we.
( friends who become family)
well-said :)
ابو سنان,
BalasHapuseverytime i read what a father or a mother do, i remember the old Arab used to say about choosing the right spouse and how is this going to affect your kids. it's amazing how a mother or a father can ruin a family.
And i agree the cycle must stop somewhere and maybe WE should be this someone and stop the hurt and pain.
I am glad you decided to stop it and show your kids how much you love them and care about them and that's you will always be there for them. That's what makes a great father.And i am positive that you are on your way to be one if you are not already. And Manal can prove it :)