Lonely

although i love to be alone and left alone, but right now i feel so lonely that i am almost desperate :(

Imaginary Friends

it happened about twenty years ago when i was about 12 or so , i decided to ran away from family problems , abuse and the rest by imagining what would it be like to live abroad -particularly America- alone , working and found love. i would be laying for hours on bed, sometimes listening to music , imagining and enjoying my time away from home. the i created people , gave them names, faces, sounds and smell. and only one of them stayed with me, i gave him a name and chose him to be my boyfriend, created a story for the two of us . that was long time ago, and i called him an imaginary friend because he lived with me, helped get along from the hell surrounded me.
the problem is that he is still living with me.
now he has a life of his own, life i drew for him, and he had to follow, actually he do rebel sometimes. i tried my best to get rid of him and i do sometimes but then all my dreams would be about him . i know it's sick and i know that the mind doesn't differentiate between reality and fiction , but sometimes or actually most times i don't want to let him go cuz he still helping me get along with life and yes the continuous hell . it's long and complicated story and maybe i need to see a shrink to get rid of it, but who will help me get along. i can see how our lives's ,and i mean the life of me and those around me , impact on them. usually when i got a problem , i only had to go to sleep or even just lay on the bed and think of the same problem happening to him and i would find solution or just a smile and the courage i need. but part of him is getting out of my mind into the real world cuz if you do observe me you would notice me saying strange things or things in English or talking to my self or the least smiling for no reason, some might think I'm crazy but if you knew, then you would know that these are his life's conversation I'm creating and saying at the same time. it's a shame that a woman in my age would still have an imaginary friend and I'm torn between keeping him alive and get a long with my crazy life or kill him and get killed by my crazy life. or maybe there are other options i don't know about !!!

Back to School

tomorrow is the first day of school after two quick months, sad but expected. i'm trying my best not to think about it and just let it be.

Waled

at around 1 a.m yesterday, the phone rang, i was in the kitchen so i picked it up quickly so it wont wake my mother up. what i didn't expect to call was Waled, my younger brother, he was surprised to hear my voice and couldn't recognized me at first, then he asked who is talking, after asking how is everyone and all that , when i told him it was me, he laughed and expressed his surprise to hear my voice after such a long time, it's 10 years now since we talked like a normal siblings, yes i answered the phone before and it was him but i would quickly announce that my father is not around as he calls to talk to him, he asked me if i forgave him , at first i didn't respond so he asked again and then i said yes i do, i know i lied but i was too afraid to say anything else. he asked me if my mother has forgiven him and i told him that he should ask her himself. "long sigh" seriously if i knew it would be him, i wouldn't have answered the phone . it's been a long ten years since we kicked him out of the house, after long and agonizing years of abuse and drinking and lots and lots of trouble. he goes in and out of prison since then and he blames my mother and me for all his trouble. my mother and i are the only tow who don't have any kind of relationship with him, but the rest kept in touch with him. even right now writing this post i can still hear his voice when he laughed when he knew it was me and the sound of his voice seems like always, drunk.

The Emmy

two of the most beautiful dresses from the Emmy awards , don't you think so ??

Eid

It's the second day of Eid, and i hate it. i hate the whole idea of the eid, i am not a woman who like to mingle with people a lot, especially family. what do we do in eid ? we visit each other -for like 15 minutes - critize each other, give lectures of the why what when where we should visit each day, neglect each other and then poof. i only meet my mother's family once a year and then a very few times through the whole year, of course i stopped visiting my father's side a long time ago cuz no one force me to do so, actually even for my mother's side no one force me but if i didn't go then my mother will get upset and mad at me, and i can 't stand that. so yesterday, we chace each other in visiting relatives , today it's thier turn to come and visit, drink their coffee , have thier sweet and leave .... i know i sound awful and meserible but i hate eid.

listening to Elisa , trying to cheer my self up :)

People

i post links and info about movies in the forum i joined last month, so yesterday i received an message from one of the people there and he asked me to stop doing so, cuz it's haram -prohibited - in Islam, honestly he was polite but ..... . that made me think about the kind of joys do these people have, no movie, no music, what kind of fun do they enjoy ?? . he and some -who then say the same- they that I'm a very nice person and seems polite and all that, so if that's what i appear to be why can't they accept that and know that i am not like them , i am different and it's my right to be so . why do we have change people and turn them to follow our rights ? what if my right is not the same as your right ? . seems like I'm gonna stop going there , too . the other forum i follow is all about groups, which is still bad, and i don't like such things, so i might still go there cuz there is a section where you can post articles that you translate, and i would like to give that side of me another kick.

Raspberries

OK i know i will sound from outpace with this but i have to say it, this is the first time i eat RASPBERRIES , yup it's true. where the hell was i ? how come i have not eaten them before, there were everywhere. the problem is that it would take me ages to something I'm not used to have before , i 'm stupid and shy. but let me go finish the whole pack .

Healthy Grieving

Healthy Grieving Techniques - How To Move Through the Grief Process to ResolutionBy William DeFoore

The greater the love you feel for someone or the greater the emotional investment in a given situation, the greater the sense of loss you feel when death, transition or tragedy occurs. The depth of grief you experience is directly proportional to the depth of love experienced, invested or needed. Grieving is actually an aspect of love, and healthy grieving is an act of love and remembering love.
The reason that anger, shock and denial interrupt and in some cases stop the grief process is because they take you away from love. That is what they are designed to do as protective mechanisms.
Here’s the real clincher about love and the grief process—remembering, writing about and talking about love takes you directly into the pain. As this happens however, all of the unconscious defense mechanisms designed to protect you from pain are activated. This is where the anger, shock and denial come in. The instinctual reaction of avoiding pain is natural. If you allow this to dominate however, you will never complete a grieving process. We must be conscious of our instincts, and act according to our wisdom.
Ultimately it is only a focus on love that gives you the strength and depth of emotion necessary for moving into your pain, releasing your sorrow and completing the grief process.
Here are some ideas and skills you can use to facilitate your own grief process:
-Understand that grief comes in waves. When the initial shock wears off, the first wave might feel overwhelming. Fortunately, each wave of grief eventually subsides, just as waves in the ocean do. You can therefore comfort yourself during each wave of sorrow with the awareness that “this too shall pass”. The better you respond to the waves of grief, the more quickly they pass and the sooner you will complete your grieving process.
-The grief process lasts from a few months to several years, depending on the type of loss experienced. That means the waves will continue to come and go for that period of time. Fight them and they will just get stronger. Learn to go with them and move through them effectively, and they will subside more quickly.
-Some crying can be and even needs to be done alone, whereas aspects of the grief process require that you do at least part of your crying in the presence of trusted loved ones.
-You absolutely must know how to cry. Crying can actually be seen as a skill, in that some people know how to do it, some don’t, and it can be taught. Here are some exercises to help you cry if you have difficulty doing so:
--Go into a dark or dimly lit room, where you will not be interrupted. Curl up on a bed or on the floor in a pile of pillows. Let your emotions and the sensations in your body be your guide, they will tell you what to do if you have the sensitivity to listen.
--Make a vocal sound that matches with the feelings of sorrow and pain in your stomach, heart and throat. This may come out as a wail, a whimper, a howl or a roar. It is essential that you let these sounds out, as they give you emotional release that otherwise is just not possible.
--Deep, long sobbing is the key to powerful emotional release. That’s what you’re going for in the effort to cry. Quietly leaking a few tears is better than nothing, but it won’t get to the heart of the matter. When you experience deep loss your body needs to sob, deep and long until you feel a release and a sense of relief. You may need to do this several times during the grieving process. Sobbing occurs as a kind of rapid coughing or convulsing rhythm in your belly, so the belly must be relaxed for this to happen. Relaxing your stomach and breathing deeply can often facilitate crying.
--Sometimes there is a powerful layer of anger or even rage surrounding sorrow. Because of this, anger release work may sometimes be necessary to allow crying to start. I have seen literally hundreds of clients go into crying after powerful anger release. The verbal statements that might go with anger release for grieving might be “No, no, no…” or “Why did you leave me?”
--Grieving rituals are extremely important for those of us in cultures and societies that do not have them. Here are some ideas of rituals and ceremonies that may be useful to you, beyond the funeral process that most families utilize:
--Your own private grieving ceremony will allow you to process your feelings and move through your waves of grief on your own schedule, requiring nothing of others. Following are some recommendations:
1. Go into a private space where you will not be interrupted.
2. Put on some appropriate music that will remind you of the person or that will connect with the feelings you want to move through.
3. Light candles to set a sacred space, and to create a quiet and reverent mood.
4. Take out photographs, videotapes, audiotapes, cards, letters and memorabilia that contain or remind you of your lost loved one or of the situation you are grieving. Place these around you on the floor or on a table in front of you.
5. Talk out loud to the departed, or to anyone associated with your loss. You can also write letters (that you may or may not send to anyone still alive) expressing all of your feelings.
6. Stay in this space until you feel some sense of release or resolution. Understand that you may need to do this several times during your grief process, or in some cases one such ritual will be sufficient.
7. Ceremonies and rituals that involve family and loved ones also affected can be very healing. Some examples include: --Releasing balloons in a park or floating a candle down a stream or river. --Storytelling ceremonies, in which you and your group get together to swap memories of the departed. Be aware that if these stories focus on anger, guilt or denial they can do more harm than good. While it is necessary to move through these aspects of grief, the purpose of such a gathering is to focus on love, release, forgiveness, healing and letting go. --Memorial services that include combinations of the above elements, for the purpose of honoring the departed and the love felt by those left behind.
The approach outlined here can be applied to many kinds of losses. Here is a list of losses which necessitate a period of grieving:
-Death -Divorce -Loss of innocence through physical or sexual abuse -Loss of love through abandonment or rejection -Loss of childhood through being required to take on too much responsibility too soon in life -Loss of health through illness, injury or aging -Loss of job -Loss of money through investment downturns and/or changes in the economy -Loss due to moving away from a home that you loved -Loss of community because of a geographical move
You may be able to think of other types of losses that you or others have suffered. The important point to keep in mind is that you do not have to suffer from these losses for the rest of your life. You can take charge by moving through your own grief to a point of peace and resolution, becoming wiser and stronger in the process.

Grief

Three Stages of Grief: Tips and Techniques

Stage One: Shock
The first stage of grieving is shock. A person does not believe the news, and essentially becomes numb.
Tips and Techniques
When family members are in the shock stage and cannot believe the news about the diagnosis or death, they need to:
Talk to someone about the news and their feelings. The person with the diagnosis and the family should share their feelings with each other if possible and with other family members. It may be helpful to use expert listeners, such as trained clergy, mental health counselors, social workers and nurses. Support groups are wonderful helps.
Be with people they love who can provide support.
Hear genuine caring, not suggestions to "fix" the grief. Empathy goes a long way.
Be encouraged to keep lists of schedules, noted of callers and appointments marked on calendars. It’s easy to forget things during this stage of grief. Reminders can be very helpful.

Stage Two: Adjusting
The second stage shows the beginning of the adjustment process.
Tips and Techniques
People in the second stage of grieving can be encouraged to try some of the following techniques to deal with their grief:
Realize that what is lost, but remember what remains each day. They can use their remaining abilities and skills to enjoy the company of the ill person and to do things together.
Physical exertion is a good way to deal with anger or frustration about the situation. Swimming laps, golf, walks, scrubbing the floor, waxing the car or furniture, trimming bushes or making bread help vent intense feelings.
Sometimes getting out by themselves and looking at peaceful scenes such as a flower garden, going to a museum to view rich colors or having a quiet time at a local church, chapel or synagogue can bring relief.
Writing down feelings on paper can help. Sometimes it helps to keep a diary to review past experiences and gain some perspective. Sometimes it helps to wad up the paper filled with words and toss it vigorously into the trash, a symbol of throwing away the anger.
Expressing oneself in painting or music also helps.

Stage Three: The New Life
The third stage of grief is the new life stage, when a person takes steps to move on to the next phase of his or her life.
Tips and Techniques
People who are in the third stage of grief should be encouraged to:
Seek the company of a pet, a friend or support group if they are feeling lonely or isolated.
Do something that is different or fun. Indulge in a movie or special treat.
Be with people. Go to a sports event or a free lecture at the public library. Being around happy, healthy people can be healing.
Try to remember what used to be fun and who used to be fun. Renew former activities and friendships.
Volunteer: Help others as a way to help themselves. Share what you have learned in your journey with others who are just beginning their journey

My brother

i just talked to my elder brother about my other brother who is also older than me . i told him all about the yelling, the screaming, the verbal abuse we have to endure from him , epically my mother, . i have not talk to him directly for about two months now . life is becoming worse every day , thanks to him. you have to live in Saudi Arabia to understand what I'm talking about . i know it's tough for a thirty five old women to complain about her brother while she can not do anything about it , but duh, welcome to my country. sometimes i think he is sick , maybe bipolar disease, he has some of the symptom but i am not sure and yes no one believe in shrinks here. if you go to one, then you are crazy and no one wants to have this stigma on his forehead. why did i complain to my other brother ? because only a man can reason with another man about such things.
will see if things change .

has anyone told you ?

check this site

http://www.hasanyonetoldyou.com/

very beautiful

My Father

if going to heaven means you have to be good to your parents, then I'm definitely will go to hell. i hate my father .

My Mother

Two days ago, my mother came to sleep in my bedroom, yes i do live with my family because in Saudi Arabia it's a custom to stay with your family if you are not married . Anyway, she couldn't sleep , though she was so tired , fasting and just finished cooking and cleaning the house. she started to cry and sob and wouldn't stop though i did my best to sooth her ,eventually she left the room when she couldn't sleep. Some of the few things she said that it was my father, i already knew that .
They have been married for over 45 years now and she didn't love him at all, she even hate him.
I keep cursing the rules in this brutal country for all the rules that made and still making women second class citizen. i blame her parents for not giving her the chance to go to school and maybe have a career, to choose this man to be her husband -arranged marriage- .
i hate my father for everything he did and still doing to her.
i blame her for not leaving but it's hard , hard to leave when you have no job to support your kids, who will fail you in the coming years which they did.
it's hard to leave when your family say that they will welcome you back but alone .
i ask her all the time why did she stay? and she keep saying that she stayed because of us - my siblings and i- but 90 % of us have failed her, weren't grateful to all the things she did for us, for all the money, clothes and books she provided us with when my father provided no money.
yes. maybe she was not that good in showing her love, but she was not given that at the first place. i remember my grandparents, they were always angry and yelling and fighting and they always make her cry, even now many years after they had gone she still cry because she misses them !!!
my father is another story i would write about one day. d
o i blame her? yes, but .... not completely, not even 1% because she is an old woman in Saudi Arabia.
hopefully the young generation will have their rights as a complete and equal citizen one day, there is hope.

First day of not fasting

It'sthe first day of Ramadan that i didn't fast. no, it's not my period , it's my diabetic.

I was so so so thirsty i couldn't continue, it's the first Ramadan since i knew i was diabetic, and although i can and probably should not be fasting, but decided against it. My mother is a role model for me with such things, she is diabetic and continue to fast for years now, though i was one of the people who tried their best to convince her not to.

Yes now i know why my father can't, too.

The problem is that no matter how many amount of water i drink, it feels nothing, like a dry plant who continue to be so through all the rain.