I Did It Before

i was just reading a question in a forum asking about suicide and people's opinion about it? and the answers were typical , it's wrong, 7aram, the easiest way, the cowards way ...etc.
i didn't answer the question cuz each time i read such question, i remember my two experiences. i think it's tough to choose to end your life and only do it cuz there are no other solutions and help is not close by.
i remember the first time i tried it i was 14 years old and i drank a washing liquid, nothing happened and no one knew but a cousin, i just got sick a bit.
the second time, which i think affected me in a different way, was when i was 22, i just graduated from university and started my new job in a very distant village, it was so tough and i was not ready at all, i decided to quit but my family didn't agree and i was forced to go back (a lot beating was included), so i decided to do it, i took a lot of pills and tried to cut my hand, the cutting didn't work but left a scare they notice and the yelling and threat was done. no one knew about the pill but i was so sick late at night, that i had to be rushed to the hospital, my heart was weak, thankfully no one ask for more tests and i was released. the next day my journey to the village started and the hallucinations began, lots and lots of them.
i don't know how did that affect my body? all i know is that at that time my body start shaking heavily while I'm asleep, particularly at the beginning of my sleep, suddenly my body will shake heavily and then rest, out of no reason.
did i damage my body? I'm sure of that. was i weak and careless? i don't think so. was i courage? no, but it takes a lot of efforts to do so.
seriously, i am not afraid of death and don't think a lot about what will happen after, cuz I'm sure a lot of what we have been taught t are wrong. god will judge me not people. just recently, i didn't want to die cuz of my mother and because i am the breadwinner of the family and i don't my mother to cry. but now after i kinda insurance my mother and my sister's future, i don't mind death. But that doesn't mean I'm going to kill my self right after i finished this. i guess my death has to be natural this time. i tried it , didn't work and yes someone else tried to kill me or threaten to do so-dunno if he was serious-and didn't work out , too. we will wait and see.

speaking of mothers and their tears, this song kills me - i know it's for Palestinian mothers but i can not stop thinking of my mother when he said
اذا مت اخجل من دمع امي