My BirthDay :)

Next Thursday is my 3? birthday, i can not believe i'm this old, i'm closer to 40 than 30 :( . NEVER MIND, what's the point of getting upset over something i can not get back, sometimes i wish that i'm still young to achieve what i wish for, what i dreamt long time ago, but it didn't happen for a reason and it's no point getting to know why, who knows maybe the future is holding something more beautiful to me !!
Anyway, since i know that next Thursday i'm going to be PMS ing -and it's so harsh- or my i'm already having my period -and i would be sick then- i decided to do something today. yes we never do any thing big or important but these few years my mother and sister used to take me to a nice restaurant where we will have a nice meal or so. this time i wanted to do it, so i invite them to SHOPPING, lool. well, my mothers like to buy stuff for the house, so i choose with her and then insist on paying as my gift for her on my birthday, i did something nice to my sister, we had ice cream which the three of us didn't like, lol. have a quick meal. they help me do good deed to 4 strangers :) i really hope that this makes me even a bit happier. i bough myself lots of magazine which i don't buy usually, my favorite strawberry, raspberry and a book called ( Broken Open : how Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow ) hope it's a good one and can help in the coming years a bit. But ...... the gift i was begging my mother to get my self and she kept refusing is .... :( watch the video ....




i want a small one, too. they are so cute but mom doesn't like them , but she had a big smile when i show her the video :) . well, Happy Birthday To Me,lool.
love love this song for Elissa :)

My Boss

i know millions of people suffer from the same dilemma. my boss (the principle of the school)is a woman of course ,and she is from a rich family (will say why in a while) . she is in her fifties and been used to everyone saying yes to her and demand respect even if she doesn't deserve it , she likes the idea that others are afraid from her and such things and whenever there is a problem she tells everyone that she has maids and a rich and important father ....etc. ( that's why i mentioned she was rich ).
we have a huge problem with principles all over Saudi Arabia, everyone complains, i guess they really believe that it's their OWN school and that teachers, students and workers are their OWN slave.
back to my principle, everyone said that she likes me (is it my fault that she does while i don't ? ), i simply answer it's cuz i teach and also help with administration work . the problem is that i had enough yelling and screaming at home that i don't need it at school, i respect everyone and therefore i demand respect, and here is why we both fight and me saying it all at her face, i don't know how to praise someone when they don't deserve it!!!
two days ago , i talk to her honestly and told her what everyone-including me- is feeling, her yelling, her being snob , the way she talked to us in front of the students...etc. i said it all and she was so shock as how dare you talk to me like that, her face was red and she changed the subject immediately. never mind , at least i said what i believe she needs to know. things that those surrounding her need to tell her long time ago, btw, this is not the first time we argue or fought but she always end it with " you are young and you don't understand life or such stupid excuses" .
lots of people at school hate what she does and how she acts, but no one wants to say anything so i am always the bad one when i confront her . i always wonder why do people act in such way when they become responsible of a big or an important place? why would people let them rule them in such bad way? what are people afraid from and of ? why do people who stand up for their rights are rebellious or bad or even evil ? are men bosses better than women ?.
i'm not trying to show that i'm the bravest woman out there or that my colleagues are bad but just wondering why people don't stand up for their own rights ?? is it similar to my life with my family where i can not end the misery ? dunno, but i think it's different !!!!!

Rosana Al-Yami

Rosana Al-Yami, a lady who works for the LBC TV channel in Saudi Arabia, and who has been accused of helping the convicted men , that's another story, prepare to be on TV and working with TV who has no permission working in Saudi Arabia. anyway the whole story was so stupid and took too much time and coverage. Rosana was convicted also and been sentenced to 60 lashes, btw why this obsess with lashes in our judge minds, so just today she was pardon by the king. really?? are they serious?? . what did she do first to be sentenced? all was nonsenses accusation and so stupid. and why pardon like a criminal instead of drop the charges? why did they pardon her now? are they afraid of the western media the minute they hear about the story, probably talked about already, . did they want to stop the whole negative circle by this?? .
well i am glad she didn't receive this harsh punishment and i think the whole progress of this country and its people are still laying in the hand of the king, which is still sad .

PS: what's with blogs, comments appear and disappear !!! and now no headtitle here !!!

Sick :(

i didn't go to school today, was so sick and ache everywhere, back, stomach, legs. couldn't manage to even stand up , my sugar was 301. i hate being sick or even feeling so, and then worry about school and the curriculum...etc. i wonder what if i was rich enough to quit my job and sleep as long as i want, although i do sleep a lot but i don't think it's the relaxing kind, ''sigh'' . lool. yalla Allah yerzogna :)

listening to Om Kalthom , sert Al70b :)

I AM SO MAD

it was a typical day, too much talk which i do when i feel nervous and uncertain. i had lunch and then went to get some times of relaxing, i woke up on the sound of yelling and screaming and fighting.
it was between my mother and brother-he is three years older than me- . they fought over money- as usual, but was more frightening-he wanted her to give him some, she said no and that she had nothing which of course he wont believe, he started to yell and scream at her which she respond to by threatening him to kick him out of the house and that make the situation even worse, he started to break things and the yelling was even louder.
it was not the first time he did so, he always does, he had a serious of jobs which he quits and now works as a driver for a company where he had a low salary which gets even lower when he received it due to his continuous absence and his debts. he doesn't contribute in the house except for sometimes where he gives my mother some money, something like 200 riyals, so he keeps asking for money and when we don't give him, he yells, screams, calls us names, threaten to do so and so.
there are five of us living in the house, my mother, my father who is an old man who can do nothing, my older sister, my brother and me. i'm the breadwinner of the house and i pay the rent of the apartment we live in, i'm not complaining , that's my destiny and i love doing it. at least we don't need anyone, but we can not give him money each time he wants, each time he lies to us with one of his stories, each time he fake a sickness which will disappear the moment he took one riyal and not by a visit to the hospital.
it's scary and i am so scared from him, i'm afraid to get hit by him, i guess all my brothers hate me and i'm not complaining, cuz of me being the breadwinner, they think that this makes me believe i'm superior to them. i never acted or said anything to indicate such things but because i don't give them any money to spend on their leisure-which are bad- and rather spend it on the house , its necessities and some of the pleasure of my mother, who spend her life living with a man who gives her nothing and my sister. beside i really believe that i shouldn't support a man ,who is capable, financially.
so when things start to calm down, i called my eldest brother who is only 4 years older than me and one year older than him, he told me to call him back when my brother came back, which was around Maghreb prayer and i did, he came and they had a brief talk and we expect the rest, an apology , a kiss and that WE should be considered of his emotions cuz he is not married and life is tough and so and so and so( lots and lots of excuses ) and some indicating that he doesn't need to be called each time we have a problem and he has a family !!!. this is your mother we are talking about and if you are not willing to defend her then whom will you defend, wont this happen in the near future when your kids grow??.
i'm so terrified that one day my brother will kill my mom or dad, when he is mad he is so scary, i'm afraid that he might hit me and case a permanent damage or something, i had a constant pain in my back thanks to my younger brother.
i know i'm stuck with a family of beast men, but when will things changed? when will we live life? when will we be happy? is life ever going to be happy? are we going to suffer our whole life because someone had a tough life ? what about us? when will anyone think of us , of our tough lives? how about my poor mother's soul? she couldn't stop crying, feeling like a failure with two sons who are monsters and a third one who doesn't care? is it her fault to have been married to a man who never taught his sons to be good to their mother, to set a good example ? .
it's easier to blame myself and my mother for everything, which i did before, but no i'm not going to do so, i'm not going to be a victim again, i hate feeling this way but all i keep wondering is when will everything stop ??? .
btw, my brother used to take drugs, not medical drugs, especially pills and we believe he is still use them and that's the reason for his constant demand of money. i'm tired of people telling me that they are sick or poor me cuz we tried our best with our youngest brother and he refused to receive any help? it's their choice and their choice to stop whatever they are doing or seek help. i'm not ashamed to say i hate my brothers .
i am so mad .

Love these two songs :)

i think Wael Kefory is one of the best Arabic singers when he sings romantic songs, everything about him is romantic, lol. that's why i don't like to read about him, doesn't sound real romantic guy. i guess we all look something while we are something else, right?. take me for example i am short so everyone thinks that they can control you or that you are weak -don't know why they think so- epically at school when my students see me at first they think she is a weak teacher, but i'm not weak at all, the funny thing is that everyone keeps saying that i'm scary actually, lool.

these are two of the songs i love most for Wael

Paranormal Activity

i just finished watching the movie "paranormal activity" and i loved it a lot, it's a horror movie, and i am crazy in love with horror movies, especially ghosts, spirits, demons and evil. and this one is all about that. it's shot to appear is it's based on a true story and shot by the couples themselves.
have anyone seen a ghost before? a real one? or Jin ? . my mother can sense them sometimes , i remember when i was young i saw one. not recently though. wished to see one but don't want my wish to be echoed in my brain in case one of them read my mind and be gentle enough and show himself, lool, joking. but really do you believe in them ?
if you love such movies, go ahead and see it, amazing.

I Did It Before

i was just reading a question in a forum asking about suicide and people's opinion about it? and the answers were typical , it's wrong, 7aram, the easiest way, the cowards way ...etc.
i didn't answer the question cuz each time i read such question, i remember my two experiences. i think it's tough to choose to end your life and only do it cuz there are no other solutions and help is not close by.
i remember the first time i tried it i was 14 years old and i drank a washing liquid, nothing happened and no one knew but a cousin, i just got sick a bit.
the second time, which i think affected me in a different way, was when i was 22, i just graduated from university and started my new job in a very distant village, it was so tough and i was not ready at all, i decided to quit but my family didn't agree and i was forced to go back (a lot beating was included), so i decided to do it, i took a lot of pills and tried to cut my hand, the cutting didn't work but left a scare they notice and the yelling and threat was done. no one knew about the pill but i was so sick late at night, that i had to be rushed to the hospital, my heart was weak, thankfully no one ask for more tests and i was released. the next day my journey to the village started and the hallucinations began, lots and lots of them.
i don't know how did that affect my body? all i know is that at that time my body start shaking heavily while I'm asleep, particularly at the beginning of my sleep, suddenly my body will shake heavily and then rest, out of no reason.
did i damage my body? I'm sure of that. was i weak and careless? i don't think so. was i courage? no, but it takes a lot of efforts to do so.
seriously, i am not afraid of death and don't think a lot about what will happen after, cuz I'm sure a lot of what we have been taught t are wrong. god will judge me not people. just recently, i didn't want to die cuz of my mother and because i am the breadwinner of the family and i don't my mother to cry. but now after i kinda insurance my mother and my sister's future, i don't mind death. But that doesn't mean I'm going to kill my self right after i finished this. i guess my death has to be natural this time. i tried it , didn't work and yes someone else tried to kill me or threaten to do so-dunno if he was serious-and didn't work out , too. we will wait and see.

speaking of mothers and their tears, this song kills me - i know it's for Palestinian mothers but i can not stop thinking of my mother when he said
اذا مت اخجل من دمع امي

In the Mood for .....

in the mood for " Om Kalthom" :)

Give me a Car, Please !!!

we don't have a personal driver, so we found someone from the city. he is an expatriate who has another job and drive us in his free time. i need one,especially for school. so in July he took his summer holiday-first one in two years - and he was kind enough to find us another man to drive us to school, which was tough cuz the other guy has other people to drive and we became the people who he is doing favor to and it's not a good feeling. we suffered through those months and this month. now our driver is back and inshallh tomorrow is our first day back with him. ''sigh''

wouldn't things be easier if women are allowed to drive here, at least i would stop complaining about drivers :) and don't let me start on taxi drivers !!

What Happened ?

OK, i really need to write this, i need to let it out. it's one of the reasons why i started a blog, to say what i feel. I'm not a talkative person, so i keep a lot inside.
so here is what happened, lately i can not stand anything bad happening to my mother and they are a LOT, i used to console her and ask her to let it go in the past , the problem is that not everyone knew how to do so. and definitely not she. on Tuesday, she went to a small party we call "dabash" which is taking all the bride's clothes and belonging to her new home, and then they have dinner, a party which close people from both families are invited. So , my mother being the eldest aunt was invited and she accepted the invitation. things went well. on Wednesday, something happen and i didn't know about , it was some talk on the phone later at the day. on Thursday, the wedding 's day, i was having lunch when my mother told me about the call . What happened, is that my cousin -the mother of the groom- accused my mother of stealing Ouda and that her maid saw it in my mother's bag !!! , so i asked her what was her respond and she said that she explained to them and swear that she didn't take anything and ask my cousin why she didn't call my other two aunts, who attend the party and were with my mother the whole time, and check if they took the Ouda, too. of course, they are being young and loud voices , then it's no way anyone would accuse them of anything. my cousin, said no way she is calling them. i know my mother and i know she is not thief and she wouldn't take anything that is not hers. for me, that was it, i told her i wont go, i want them to know that it's not OK to make accusations when they have no prof and when it's easy to accuse the weak one. i cried and cried, like i never for a very long time. my mother didn't even knew why did i get upset, she thought that she was the one upsetting me. the next day, i explained it all to her. i asked her that day not to go, but she refused, she doesn't want people to ask where is she? she doesn't want people to talk about the family having problems? . when she attend, she took some of the finest Ouda we have and gave it to my cousin, who refused and cried saying that she didn't mean it and that she is sorry. yesterday, she called again and apologized and i liked what my mother told her"i accept your apology but i will not accept anymore of your invitations".
i 'm still frustrated with my mother,though. with her weakness, with her goodness, with her lack of ability to stand for her own rights. well, i will always stand for her and that's why i didn't attend the wedding, to stand for her .

i love this song :)

The Wedding

so yesterday was my cousin's son's wedding -if it's written correctly-, and it was crowded and beautiful, as i was told. fortunately , i didn't go first, to make a point-i will write about that soon cuz i think i need to let it out all-and then later on i got sick, still, which was another good excuse. i have some of the symptoms of a coming flu, do you think it's swine flu ?? .

i can't stop listening to this song :)

rambling

i didn't go to work today, no reason but just for the fun of being absent, enjoying a bit of the morning outside walls, the weather was ok, beside today was our paid day, lol, no no i didn't spend any money, i'm so tight hand these months, lots of responsibilties. right now i'm doing nothing but drinking water and eating lots and lots of guylian , the same one in the picture.

i know i know it's too much sugar but i need to forget that i have a wedding tomorrow, i HATE weddings and wish i can stay at home but this one is a MUST. well, at least i'm drinking lots of water with it, loool.

here is something i like, elisa's voice, amazing and so touching, i love 99% of her songs and this is one of them

First Day

first day of school and my diabetes is 307 , great !!!!

Back to School Again

two weeks ago we were back to school, but without students, so the whole day was about three to four hours, for me it was still busy day as i do have other works beside teaching, but on Saturday it will be the official day for back to school and I'm preparing my lessons and activities. it's going to be a normal hectic day like all first days but this time, it's coming with swine flu scare and do this and stop that, so i think it will be tough for the first few days but i don't think anything will change. hope it will be a good year, last year was good up until the last month and then all hell broke loose.

Sick

i hate being sick, i hate the feeling, the pain, the visit to the doctors, that i lack the ability to rest, i hate lying in bed for two or three days ...... and all of that because of my monthly period . god, how much i hate it and waiting for that day when it will stop , yea yea yea i know what will happen, i have heard this phrase all the time " do you know what's gonna happen to your body when it stopped ". i did all i know to ease the pain but nothing changed, and all the doctors keep saying as long as it has been like this from the beginning then nothing will change. yes it was till painful when i was younger but now and for the last two years the pain doesn't stop for at least three days !!! .

love this song :) , though not the clip

Stupid soceity

when will this society learn to respect women ?? NEVER. stupid country.
i just read this :

http://www.saudigazette.com.sa/index.cfm?contentID=2009020828735&method=home.regcon

what do they want her to do, keep it ? . the same story goes on and we have to wait for a pardon from the king, as if she did anything to be pardoned. is it enough that she has been raped . god, i hate it.