Great Women: My Gifted Studnets

To the two of you " A " and  " H ", your determination and enthusiastic were amazing, I wish that you can go on with the same beautiful spirit and the same light in your eyes to achieve much more in your lives.
I told you before that by going on and taking the step forward you show your true courage . I wish life hand you more success now you know the tough road to get it.
And I wish  I can let you read you this to know how I feel :)


There is a big increase towards gifted students these few years in Saudi Arabia. Despite having the worst kind of education but those working in the field of gifted students are the best.

This year I am the one responsible for finding and encouraging students who might be gifted and would like to participate in different categories. Lots of them were interested but were so afraid to continue due to their studies.
Two of them were very much interested and still. My work is to guide them through the process of their work, of finding the perfect objects, doing the best research, seeking help from professionals, being their voice at school and giving them the necessary documents to make their work easier. It's been tough but amazing work.

Today,I went to a primary school with one of the student to complete her research and it's unbelievable how kids can be helpful. She was shy and didn't know how to get the answers from them, so I took the lead and start asking them the questions she wrote while she record their answers. She was happy-as she told me later on- that i helped her tho i was worried. And I never knew that kids can be this cute :) . When we finish they were in line to shake my hand and ask me to come teach them the next term :). But seriously the result of the questions scared me so much.

Next Monday, my student will go to the first round of the competition. I encouraged them a lot, yet made it clear that they might lose, but that this journey will teach them great deal and that they can develop it even more for next year if they didn't pass this year. They assure me that if they didn't win, it's OK, that they liked the journey so far.
But they are 17, can they accept defeat ? On Sunday, I would be with them in organizing everything but on "The Day" i won't. I am glad and sad at the same time. Happy so i won't annoy them with my worrisome and sad cuz I want to be there whether they are winning or losing, but the good thing is that their families will be with them.

Anyway, it's a beautiful short journey so far and I have enjoyed it so much to the extent of envying them and wishing that I can participate, too :)

Why Do You Give ?

I am this good person in general, someone who would respect you and your choices no matter what. I might have an opinion about it all but I would still respect you....until it's about giving.

I grow up poor, we lived in an apartment in my grandfather building without paying rent. Didn't have a steady income because my mother didn't work-she is not educated and without a job-and my father was a driver who gain too little and spend most of it on different things. To have a 10 SR "3dollars" you need to literally save up.

Still, I never get to do anything to get more money. My mother would take care of us getting the money needed for our clothes, food and school. Growing up and realizing the situation we are in was difficult but still I didn't have to do anything about it. When I reached the university and need more money for books and clothes, my mother will always give them to me and she did the same for my ungrateful siblings.

I needed more times to accept the situation that my father was not doing his duties and that my mother had to borrow money from people, lots of people. But there are one person in particular who helped her a lot- her younger sister-.

I never forgot what it feels to need money. Especially when the school knew that I was from a poor family and wanted to help. I never knew what it feels to ask people to give you so you would help your family. Through my whole years as a teacher I only had to ask for help for a very few times and it never was easy, I always cry and take days to be able to utter the words but the reasons are always big. Thankfully I have no debt on my shoulder expect for the bank but that's my own debt -as i call it- and not to people.

Why do I give ?
because I know that despite not looking that desperate and poor, we were.
That despite having strong men who can help, they didn't.
That although your eldest daughter work and got good money, she wont give you a dime.

I give because I know that someone need to feel that they are human , and that by having good income, by not being poor.
Because by helping you are giving a chance for someone to grow, to be better, to have a job, to stop the circle of poverty.

Those people who helped us stopped our cycle of poverty by giving my mother the chance to help me to graduate and get a job and move up the ladder.

Would I still be giving if I wasn't in the same situation? If I wasn't  "in need" and "desperate" ? If I was blind of the suffering of my mother? . I could be or couldn't but I am glad that I am a giving person.

But there are two things that I hate a lot, and I don't hate a lot of things.
First,I hate is that I am becoming extreme in resentment and judging when people wont help or expect something in return. I know that a lot have lots of responsibilities but as I always believe that as long as there is someone who is poorer than you, you can still give something up, you can skip an item on will- do this-month-list cuz nothing is as important as a person in need.

Second, I hate that people do give for the reward. It's in the Quran and we are asked to help and promised great rewarding for doing this. But I hate the idea that I am someone's road  to heaven. I hate the idea that you don't give because you care but because you see me as a "chance" to get closer to heaven. I hate the idea that you give to feel good about yourself. I hate that you give so you wont feel "guilty" next time you see a poor person, cuz you already payed your debt to society by giving me. I hate that you give because you think that I am a debt and you should get rid of. I hate that you give so you feel like you have did what you have to do and that's that.

Why don't we give because we see poor people as equal as we are. That we are giving because that's our duty-not to give to get rid of that feeling- to give cuz It's our duty to help each other. Everyone of us help and share what he/she has more than enough of "money, love, time...etc".

Do we have the power to think of those poor as equal people to us and give them because we live in societies where people of the world are one and if I fall today you will help me and I will help you when you fall tomorrow !!!


This is from Paulo Coelho's latest novel "Aleph"
"I've never felt awkward about asking . I've known lots of people who care about others and are extremely generous when it comes to giving and who feel real pleasure when someone asks them for advice or help. And that's fine, it's a good thing to help your neighbor. On the other hand, I know very few people capable of receiving even when the gift is given with love and generosity. It's as if the act of receiving made them feel inferior. as if depending on someone else was undignified. They think is someone is giving us something, that's because we're incapable of getting it for ourselves. Or else, the person giving me this now will one day ask for back with interest. Or, even worse, i don't deserve to be treated well " p.90
and while reading that I kept wondering about the people we give, did we ever thought about them,are they equal to us? doesn't giving without receiving means that we think of them as less ?that we are superior !!

Sometime ago, I stopped "giving" only, now I happily "receive"

P.S: My aunt-above- had a series of bad events in her life. She got married then divorced with two daughter and father that never ask about them. She,also,lost her job. But you know what? an uncle and an aunt are helping her generously now. 

Life is a circle and Karma is great :)


Part of string of confessions. 

Attention

I love to have the attention of everyone. 


Did I get your attention !!


I know it's complicated and I know that my journey to some kind of recovery that I need is to be honest with myself . 


So why do I need this ? I know it's one of the most common thing in the world for kids to want to have the attention of their parents and the same for teenagers, but for grownups !!. then why do I still craving for people's attention ?. Is it a lack of love i felt and feel almost always. 
Growing up in a disturbed family means that you are either completely neglected or forgotten. And to be the less troubled one is another add to the problem. I admit I didn't have the love that will secure me emotionally growing up and protecting me from seeking people's approval by getting their attention doing the good thing btw. 


Does comparing between relatives or people in general, especially since this comparison is not in your favor, makes you feel neglected and then seek attention ? . 


I wonder. 


This problem can be very bad sometimes that I wish to be hurt or do the most outrages thing to be noticed and then be loved. And sometimes it's the least of my problems !! . The funny thing is that when the going gets tough, I care less about people's opinion . 




is this starving for attention is a cry out for love , maybe ?




Part of "string of confessions"

An Invitation

I am not the best writer I know, I wish to be great but wishes sometimes stay wishes for good..Yet, I do love to write but sometimes the things I write about are very boring or self centered

So here is an invitation to those who read and comment and those who read but don't comment. Submit topics to write about, what shall I write about ? . Is there something you want me to write about or I should write about . OR maybe you would like to be a guest in here and submit a piece of your own writing or something you like and wanted to share and comment about !!

What do you think ?

Or shall I go and have a huge and delicious (any kind) of food.

Hope to hear from you ALL :)

I Am 38 Years Old

Today is my birthday :) 

The world started to be a better place the day I was born, right ? :P 

Well, happy birthday to me and I wish me a happy, quiet and easy-going year. I need it and I deserve it. 

Last year was good and hopefully this one will be even better. 

I haven't done any special thing this year, but my mind was better and my soul was forgiven. And all I hope is for this year to be the same or even better. 

I know that some of my dreams are further away now but I have also learned never to stop dreaming or quit, cuz it's not over till it's over. 

My biggest lesson came from those young revolutionaries all over the Arab world defending and fighting for their rights. 

A special thank you to every single one of you who supported and encouraged me. 

Who showed me the way to be a better me and prayed for me. 

Thank you so much :) 

Who Do We Hate ? And Why ?

A very interesting discussion about why does Arab have the well known bad image in the world in a post by a friend . 

Muslims too have a bad image everywhere but the Islam of the south eastern Asia is much more respected than the Islam of the Middle East. All of that is known. 

Here is something I want to know and I honestly wish that you will answer it , even those of you who read and leave, try to answer the question. 

Who do you hate ? and why? 

And I am not talking about individual, I am talking about a whole ethnicity, country, religion, people...etc. 

 if you don't hate anyone then explain why, please? 

You can answer anonymously, I am just interested to know why and who do we hate. 

No Attachment

One of my belief is never to keep a thing. Never to get attached to anyone or anything. 

And that's what made me who I am today, I guess. It's sometimes even startling to me not to want to keep anything no matter its value , financially or sentimentally,. 

I used to keep lots of things that are dear to me, save them and cherish them. But not anymore, now I would keep them for a while-probably a year- and then just throw them away !!

Gifts would be cherish for a while and then given to someone or thrown away, beautiful letters from my pen-pals and amazing collection of photos are scanned into a disk and thrown away, the disk is not anywhere to be found too !!!I only keep clothes and shoes for more than one year, but they are thrown too after that . 

I wish I knew what changed in me and made me this person who wants nothing to connect her to anyone and wants to no one to be connected to, too 

I am not proud of this in me but wont call the worse in me. 

It might be a physiological thing !!!

Banishing People From Your Life

Life has its funny way of teaching us lessons. 

here is a question: 

If you could banish any one person from your life who would it be ? Why? 

If you ask me this a few years or months ago, I would name some, mostly my male siblings. For a lot of reasons...

but who knows that things could change in a strange way !! not in a movie-like-ways, but in a slow motion that when you realize it, you could do nothing but wondering how did WE are here after we were there !!

The day my father passed away, we all cried and hugged. I even hugged my youngest brother, remember him? The violent alcoholic one !!. He came to the house for two days but then it was sure to him and to all -who are campaigning for him- that in no way he would be back to live with us again. 

After that, he was arrested-still- ,and in his own unique and funny way with the help of life, he got into our life again. 

He started calling and calling and calling every single one of us in a weekly basis. Mostly he doesn't want anything, just to say hi and to check on us. Then the caller got longer and after that, he asked for favors as to ask me to enroll him into something or send him something as silly as the names of horror movies...etc.

We started to care. Yes, it's still a noway for him to come back to live with us but we care that my mother went to visit him in prison this Sunday just to please him cuz he complained that no one ever come to see him !!

He is still a drunk criminal but who would guess that he would he have a spot back in our hearts, especially mine and my mother.

I don't know how this will end for any of us, he is still violent and so dangerous to be around when he is drunk, we wont let him be back, we will always suffer the consequences of his drinkings cuz people can not see the difference between us and him and i dont' blame them. 

But I know for sure that what your heart set on today might not what you end up with tomorrow. 

Just leave a room in your heart for forgiveness and accept life lessons . 

You may end up in a better place or the least with a better feelings :)

Unworthy Of Love

We meet with different kinds of people every day, who have different personalities, characters, agendas and ambitions. some of them would do whatever it takes to make things go their way, including manipulating you into believing something you shouldn't believe especially about yourself and your good traits.

A friend of mine was crying today explaining me how she couldn't believe how many of her friends attended a special occasion of her, she was surprised how many people actually love and respect her and came to celebrate with her .
When i inquire about her surprise, she explained how her husband keep telling her that no one actually love her because she is a private person and doesn't like to mingle so much with his family. He was doing that for over twenty years!!

See how people can manipulate you into believing something this bad about yourself. believing that you are unworthy of love by others would make you weak, hostile and a sad person.

It's not you the problem, it's theirs. But they are smarter and know how to make YOU feel bad.

The same friend told me before about the verbal abuse of her husband. Could this be his way of being sure she wont get a divorce knowing that she is not loved enough !!.

Abuser do that, they wreck your life and make sure you wont get any chance of a better life without them. And they are all around us. They could be members of our family, friends, colleagues.

Let's have faith in ourselves and abilities. Tell people that they are good, show them that they are loved and respected. Who knows, you might be saving one by being kind.

Blowing Off Steam

When I was younger, I was a very mad person, very. And angry most of the time. lots of reasons for that, but growing up things are cooling down for me or maybe I am just learning to blow off my steam when I am angry in the wrongest ways..such as food or sleeping. Beside, the wisdom of being old. 

I am less angry now and hugely less mad, but still things can irritate me so quickly. I think my students thinks I am crazy when I yell at one of them for the stupidest thing and then go back to teaching with a smile. It can be this quick to forgive and let go for me.

When I am made, it's better to be left alone, no one should talk to me. I am one of the people who would stay away or within -if I have to- but don't look at you or say a single thing to you so I wont say or do something that might hurt you or I regret it. Beside If I talk when I am angry I cry a lot. If someone tries to upset me or drive me nuts, I mostly move to another place. I hate hurting people and since I am a sucker, I know that I will go back and apologize even if they were the stupidest ones : )

I love the prophet's saying about how to blow off your steam when you are angry, if you are standing to sit down, if you are sitting down to stand up. To do ablution for nothing to stop fire but water.
I honestly wish I can do that or at least remember it but it always passes me by when I am mad or angry...
"big sigh".

aAmost everyone in my small or extended family are either a mad person or an angry one. BTW, I did check they are two different things, lol

For now, food is always the answer. But hey, I am still working on losing those extra kilos from the last 15 years : D



Note: So I proved to myself and the world that I can not commit to anything for a whole week, let alone a month. I wondered when I wanted to commit to a 30something that I might lose, I mean what would happen when I am in a bad mood-which is a lot- or sick- which is second to being in a bad mood- or just lazy-third place-. 
But you know what, I am just in the mood to continue but probably in a different way this time.
Instead of questions and answers, I will write about different topics drawn from different questions. 

Wild Wild Desert.

Right now I need to go to the dentist, it's not urgent but it's the best time. And in a few hours my mother is visiting some of her friends and here lay the problem.

My mother wont let me go by myself.  Shocking !!
let me explain a bit....

In Saudi Arabia, it's not easy to just leave the house by yourself..not that the government wont allow you but stupid traditions believes that a women shouldn't leave the house by herself unless she is accompanied by her brother or father. A mother or a group of females is another OK to leave with...So putting your abaya on and just leave by yourself is not OK for most-and I mean most literally- families.

I do leave every morning with a driver-not mine just someone I hire from around here- to work and most of the time they are asleep, but in other times including the mornings of the weekends you need to take someone with you or just ask for permission.. which is very very humiliating for a 37 -almost 38 year old woman-or any woman in that regard- .
The only way in my family to skip asking permission is if my mother goes along. And in rare occasions my sister. Two sisters without a mother, a father or a brother equal zero.
And I love it when my mother,me and my sister goes places...any place.

Now what do you do when you need to go somewhere, to the doctor or the book store -which is a place my mother hates a lot-? .If she got nothing to do, she will accompany me but she is sick with a bad knee. So after let's say two hours she is either starting to get sicker,can not walk or just bored. I know that lots of time she try to hide it but I can tell and I can not just ignore that and go on with my business or having fun.

I can go alone, right? no, because she is too afraid that something might happen to me or being abducted by a scary taxi driver that exists only in the news!!. And that's really frustrates me a lot. I mean  A LOT.

Most times I keep it hidden and says OK no need to leave now, we will go another time, but other times I just can not.. I don't yell but I say things that upset her and locked my self in my room, exactly the same way a teenager would react.

my mother fear is suffocating me, it's unbearable lots of the times.

The funny thing is that this beautiful 67 year old lady would leave alone and with scary taxi driver and it's OK. I mean can she defend herself if being abducted and I can not !!!

I am going to be 38 so soon, I am a strong and independent woman and I can not leave the house lots of times without my mother approval.

Welcome to Saudi Arabia, where women can not drive, can not leave the houses alone cuz it's a wild wild desert outside.

P.S: If you are going to comment by saying "this is only your family and that not the fault of Saudi Arabia" , then I am going to say bad things to you and block you for good. <<< in a very bad mood, let me go look at my new books again :) 

From Bad Mood To ...

My mood has changed completely today.
I was a bit happy that it's weekend tomorrow after a whole long week of starting school -despite skipping two days off my self, I was sick- .
Anyhow, my mood has changed completely an hour ago when I received a sack - literally a sack- of 15 books from Amazon :D

books do really change my whole life completely.

I must of have done something good today :)

9/11

Do things happen for a reason ?. I would hate the answer "yes" .But when things happen they do change a lot of ideas and people...

I still remember what I was doing when 9/11 happen, I still remember the exact place I was sitting in.

It's a tragic event whether we like to admit it or not.. 9/11 was one of the first events that I could disapprove of immediately when it happened. The first time I was called an "infidel" by someone for making it clear that I am against "the Taliban". 9/11 opened my eyes to a lot of injustices around the world. 9/11 made me have the power to stand for the injustice and say that it's.

But how do you react against"injustices" by committing one yourself is a tough task and America has failed in that. The invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq is the most clear example .

Having 14 Saudi out of the 19 terrorist changed Saudi Arabia a lot.
A huge religious debate have started after 9/11 and never stopped . We have a wider range of freedom because of 9/11. I guess the government tried to prove to the world that not every Saudi is a terrorist made huge changes.

The notion of what about us ? What about our victims ? wont make it right. You can not ask people to care about your victims while you are dancing on the graves of their loved ones.

The number of people died in the Arab spring all over the Arab countries will reach the number of people died in 9/11, if it's not already. Do we know their names? ages?dreams and hopes?. Are we ready to remind the world of them every year? What about the ones died in Iraq and still ?
That's why America is powerful, people count there, people are important.And we will only be as powerful when the people count not the presidents. When we are all the same and no one is more important than the rest.

Right Now..

I guess that being sick for a day or a week or a month is the best way to know how you feel towards others and things..I guess these deep feelings that we are trying so much to hide can find their way to the surface when we are sick or when our hormones are missed up.

It's so funny to wish for someone to be far away from you...to be in a prison for instance... and then when that wish come true..you are in constant relation with this person that you will even spend hours thinking of  ways to entertain them from inside the prison... Is it a deeper wish to enjoy their life in far away place from you ?
yet, it feels so sad to hear them say that they are actually "living" in prison...

Lying is tough because telling your lie constantly force you to remember all the details over and over again..and since we can not then we are doomed to be caught...it's easier to just tell the truth...
the worst kind of lying is to lie because you fear people might condemned your life style...so you are doomed both way..

Question 8

What groups do you belong to?

On what ground...

Honestly... I don't belong to any group..

I am only a human being who cares about the rest of the people no matter what religion, country or continent they come from... And I wish that people treat me the same..

I love all people no matter what group they belong to...until further notice :) 

Seven Facts About Me

Izdiher and Farsilla have awarded me "One lovely blog award"

with the award comes the task to write "7 facts about me" .

I did this long time ago here. It was my first tag ever.. So let's add more 7 facts about me...

1-Recently, whining has no tolerance from me, especially if you give this person ideas and they refused to look into them. I am starting to move away from such people. If this is a habit and they like to make themselves a victim, be my guest and I would listen to you, but you wont be a close friend. Seriously, I have enough negativity in my life to bring more by people who refuse to change. 

2- Number 1 isn't about people with problems, it's about people who likes whining. It's completely different than talking or discussing your problems, looking for solutions. I used to be that person, but thankfully not anymore. 

3-Believe that when God closes a door in your face, He open millions instead but staring back at that first door wont make you see the rest, and hey they wont be open for good. 

4- I believe that no one can control you unless you are weak. Especially in social and political situations like dictatorship in the middle eastern countries. And the situation of women's rights  in Saudi Arabia. 

But gaining your rights would mean huge sacrifices, who wants to be the first volunteer ? 

5- I believe that having a suspicious mind  is the first step towards complete believing. 

Knowledge would make you a greater believer. Don't be afraid to know more and to ask more, and always be suspicious of those ordering you not to ask.  

6-It's tough but possible to live a life with respect to all and every human being , the kind of life they lead, their tradition and lifestyles. 

7- I believe completely in the "nonviolence movements", if people just give it a try. 

I know that for some it's easier said than done, but I do believe that this is because we are greatly selfish. 

* lots of believing in this tag....does it mean the opposite !!! 

Well, thanks ladies for the tag :)

And if anyone loves to answer the tag, then I am awarding you the " One Lovely Blog award" and consider yourself tagged :)

Question 7

What money can not buy ?

I guess this is a philosophical question which mean it can be not useful at all. 

But let's answer anyway. 

Money can buy anything you believe would make you happy. Otherwise you don't know how to use it wisely. 

If you need a house, money can buy that. If you are not happy with your job, the money you have can make you quit the job you have and stuck with- because of money- and create the job you love or simply live the rest of your life with your money.

Money can make you parents happy, your wife/husband, your children so it's a fair game.

Money can provide you with the best doctors/hospital.medicine when you are sick.

Money can make you feel good about yourself when you use it to help others. 

Money can make you a better servants to your God for the bliss He showers you with.

The only problem with money is that you have to substitute your previous bosses with this new boss "money" and welcome to slavery.  

*If you have any question to ask, feel free to do so :)

Question 6

Describe the longest road trip you’ve ever taken. 

They say that the length of something is a matter of feelings not the actual time. Is that true ?

I honestly believe so, the longest road trip happened almost 12 years ago, it took about 3 hours but was the longest to me. 

A few days before that trip, I came home from work to a very quiet home, you can sense the fear everywhere before even meeting anyone,then my mother told me that my eldest brother and my uncle have an intervention for my younger alcoholic brother. 

He was sent to the city of Jeddah to a specialized hospital there. 

We were happy and scared at the same time. for a very few days, he kept calling , yelling and screaming that he would kill them all if no one gets him out of there immediately. So my brother ask me to go with him to convince our younger brother to stay. Me and him were really close. 

At dawn we left, through the whole 3 hours we were mostly quiet and the moments we talked it was to come up with good ideas to convince him that it's good for him to be there. 

We arrived, visited him and he was so calm. We tried our best, he hated being almost a zombie there with the medicines they gave them. We told him it's a phase and he will be better. I explained to him the state of violence he is when he drinks which is always, we tried every possible way. EVERY.

We lost and we left. Another long three hours, realizing and thinking what will happen next. 

The only way for him to leave was if my father go there and  take him out. A few days after that my father did, the whole family was there minus my eldest brother. 

He drove us back to Medina, he was very happy and excited to leave that place. 

He was drunk. He is still. 

*If you have any question to ask, feel free to do so :)

Question 5

Aseel asked me this question :-

what would be a great day to Wafa? 

I love regular days, days with routine cuz I know I achieve more from them unlike the holidays. 

A great day, would be waking up not sick and active in a very quiet home where everyone is still asleep. 

Having my quick breakfast and finding out that I look good before I leave the house. 

And definitely not meeting the school principle early in the morning :D

Having a smooth day at school with no one annoying me and everyone leaving me alone with my books when I got no classes :) 

Dinner at home, listening to my mother telling me how her morning was. I am trying my best to skip napping time but it's hard, so if I managed to sleep for an hour and not miss the whole afternoon time after the aser prayer, that would be great cuz I love this time, it's long, quiet-at home- and in it you can do a lot. And I love to see and live the sun light.

Spending the whole night online would be great, but if I found another job or enroll into a useful course it would be even greater cuz I hate spending only 6 or 6 and a half hours on work and most of the day on almost nothing. 

A movie or a series is a must to watch at least daily. It takes you to a whole different ideas,languages, lives..etc. 

If it's a vacation, I would love to spend my days travelling but if I can not then procrastination is the essential for the perfect day :) 

Thanks Aseel for the question :) 

*If you have any question to ask, feel free to do so :)

Question 4

Which would you rather admit: your age, your weight, or your salary?

I have no problem with my age !! or do I ? cuz I keep insisting that I am 37 in the Gregorian calendar not the Islamic one, in the Islamic calendar I am 38. 

btw <<

I can tell you my weight but when I lose the extra kilos I have been trying to lose for the last 10 or 15 years , I am close :)

My salary !! no I wont say that, it's no one's business but mine, right ? 

So on another thought, I don't think I would admit any !!


*If you have any question to ask, feel free to do so :)